My friend and I also went to visit a former sous at his new place for dinner. I'm not going to lie, it was pretty high up in price for me but he was so gracious and wonderful and treated us like freaking princesses. It was totally worth it to see him and support him in his new adventure (and he was nice enough to lighten the load to our wallets a little too.)
I've always had a bit of a dark side and it hit me today at 5:00 in the morning when my body just decided that awake was the way to be that early, that if I put my two weeks in today for one reason or another, would anyone miss me? Would anyone think even half as highly as I have thought of those who have just recently left. The truthful and hard answer is no. I cannot honestly say that where I am has been made any better by me being there and is a hard pill to swallow. It also has a way for lighting a fire under my seat. I want to make an impact for the good no matter where I am and if I haven't done it yet then I need to step my game the hell up.
I've always felt kind of transient in my life. I'm smart enough to know that this feeling probably comes from not feeling comfortable in my own skin more than simply not fitting in like I think I should. I do feel like I'm in a good place to get where I need to be though. Nothing feels easy here and I constantly feel like I'm free falling without a net or a parachute in sight and it makes me long for the people from my former life. I wanna cry to my friends, my family, my former chefs, anyone who feels like home for me. And this is what I used to do. But this is not how one grows. Roots are important and I love the ones that I have but they can't be all you have because then you're just a weed. I want to be someone worth knowing, someone who lives and isn't afraid and for right now that is not me, not yet. I guess this is my long winded way of saying that I miss you all terribly but that I can't come back yet.
I love you all.
And don't get mad at me for a sad post! It IS titled Somber Sunday for a reason.
I don't think this post is sad as much as reflective. I can say with certainty, because I know you, that you have left an impact and people would miss you ( whether you feel like they would or not) because that's just an effect you have everywhere you are... People want to be around you, you're welcoming and friendly and people feel more comfortable with you in alien situations than most anyone else I know (sources: 4th grade... You were the first person I talked to and the person I chose to stand in line by on my first day as the new girl for a REASON! :-) ). However, holding yourself to a high standard isn't a bad thing... Just try to keep things in perspective. Would people miss you there if you left? Yes. Do you want to have a bigger impact than that? Yes. So your work isn't done. Not a bad thing, just a work in progress. I am so proud to be your friend, Mert, and you know you can ALWAYS call me. :-) Can't wait to visit you in Chicago sometime soon. :-) Miss ya, lady!
ReplyDeleteI am just now reading this girlie. I think that Ms. Jess is right. It is more reflective than sad. For SURE you leave a huge impact on the people around you. I am one of them. And? I DO miss you. So there. And, I would also say, any young woman who leaves everything she knows in her small town and heads out to Chi Town to make it on her own? Yeah... quite impressive. AND? You are DOING it! Rock it sis. You've got this.
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